“And while nothing would make me happier than to finish out my time here on earth without speaking to or interacting with a single one of you, it’s been ‘suggested’ by HR that I offer my colleagues some sort of ‘warm’ gesture that doesn’t involve ‘accidentally’ changing a number of your desktop backgrounds to a ‘low-resolution’ ‘image’ of my ‘butt,’ or else I’ll be ‘let go.’”
"It allows me to pluck myself from inside my own head where I am constantly entangled in a mess of frazzled neural connections. Now, instead of thinking about everything all at once, I just think about everything all at once and also my mortality. It really puts things in perspective."
Needs water to survive
Doesn’t do well in direct sun for long periods of time
Thrives on attention and care
Maintains a decidedly intentional lopsided power dynamic by ceasing to respond to your texts mid-conversation